Never Give Up

I have so many emotions today I feel like my head is going to explode. Literally, I have such a pain in my right temple I honestly think it's going to blow...watch out below!

I'm frustrated...I'm sad...I'm overtired...I'm worried...I'm angry...I'm damn sick and tired of being sick and tired and I'm REALLY tired of the way people behave. Of course I do realize that I have no power over anything...except my reaction to it, the way I behave, the things I do for myself to navigate through all of this...shall we say baloney? bologna? crap?!?!

Even though I know that technically it might not be one family member's responsibility to care for another who might be struggling, I can't imagine a world where this person wouldn't help! Like now! To the rescue! After all, what did Jesus ask of us? TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER! That's the only reason we're here! Not to build these damn companies, bridges, huge buildings, massive armies with all of our instruments of destruction...NONE OF THAT! LOVE...that's the reason. And a huge part of loving each other is HELPING each other...plain and simple!

But people don't seem to get it! Someone new joins the family out of the blue and WHAM, nothing and nobody is ever the same. People are ignored. People are left behind...it's as if one can all of a sudden be forgotten. It's crap. And I will never understand it.

Someone reading this might have no idea what I'm talking about. Maybe I don't either. But the simple fact is that I once had a family and now it seems like they're gone. We lost my mom and since then the entire dynamic that once was my family has disappeared...gone forever! And it's breaking my heart and frustrating me to the point of daily sobbing, bad dreams and expoding headaches.

I was going to talk about the strange things going on at work but I honestly have to stop. It's all too much for me right now. I'll never give up...but today I will try to give in, to surrender. Because I can't control these people. Oh, I want to! But I can't. Maybe I'm right and they just don't get it...and getting crazy over it won't help me. Today I will pray that God will help us all. We need it.

Summertime

Things haven't been easy lately...for any of us. Financially, emotionally, physically...so many issues each and every day. I'm really looking forward to some nice sunny days, some summertime enjoyment. Remember those kinds of days? Hot summer days with your friends, swimming, driving around, hiking...or just generally getting into trouble. I remember those days! Now I have worries...what will my young daughter do this summer while I'm working full time? Will my son find a job? What does his future hold? Will I be able to hold on to this job or maybe even get a better one? In this economy, who knows? I'm lucky to be working.
And our home...such a pretty townhouse yet so many problems from day one. Exterior leaking into the basement...interior leaking from the master tub...broken gutters causing floods outside...and now the washer and dryer from hell have broken down...boo hoo. Let me tell you how much I love spending all that money at the laundromat...such fun. But no money for a new set yet, so cry me a river, has to be done.
We have it pretty good...things aren't that bad when you think about it. If we could all get healthy, that would be the most important thing. If my son would graduate from high school, that would be really great. If my daughter can find something great to do and not be alone, I'd feel so much better. And maybe inbetween the rinse cycle and the dryer, we can find a stream to stick our toes into. Grab some good times wherever we can.

Our Angel Above

To our darling Angel Mom,

Four years ago today you spread your wings and flew to heaven. How I prayed you wouldn't go and leave us! How I wished I could have reeled you back in and kept you with us forever. I prayed so hard, offering God everything I owned for more time with you. But that's so selfish of me, isn't it? I know we each have our own journey, our own destiny, and I have no power to change that. Yet how shocking it is that you were taken so soon. And how difficult it has been for us since you've gone. Nothing is the same, nothing will ever be the same again.

We miss you every single day, mom. We still go to pick up the phone and call you, oh those wonderful, funny phone calls! We were so lucky to have you, always there for us, never ever turning away from us. We had so many plans, the "girls" trip to England with your daughters and their daughters to visit all of the places Rosemund Pilcher wrote about in the books we all loved. Our family trip to Ireland, all of us together in a place you loved so much.

If I could have any wish, mom, you know what it would be. One more day...to hold you, to laugh with you, to tell you again how very much I love you. Can you see me? Can you hear me? Do you know how much I miss and love you? How much we all miss and love you? You would be so proud of your grandchildren, mom! They're all growing so fast, and are so beautiful. Your little Annie is amazing...just like you. I do believe you see...you know. Don't forget me, my mom. I will never forget you. Until we meet again, you have my heart...always. xx, Ker

Changing Times

Well, times have certainly changed. I can't remember a Memorial Day that my kids and I along with my brother and his family (and anyone else who was in town) got together at my parent's home for a little barbeque. So many memories. But dad is recovering from open heart surgery and didn't seem up to visitors (can we blame him?!?), although the kids really wanted to see him. And next year he will be in his new home in Florida.
Life is so strange. One minute you're in the middle of it all and maybe taking it for granted, and the next minute you're left with memories. Then it's time to move forward and make new plans.
So yesterday we spent a lovely afternoon with some friends on their sunny deck. It was a good time and the kids really enjoyed themselves. I didn't know many people but enjoyed talking with them and learning their stories.
Yet when that barbeque was started and those burgers were cooking away, I was lost in the memories of dad and my brother talking away at the grill, and the kids running around their wonderful backyard having the time of their lives just playing together. And mom...sitting on the back porch with her feet up, a cold drink and a funny story. Mom...so missed.
SO...along with the changing times comes some good news! I am just under NINE pounds down and feeling very hopeful. Of course the fact that I can hardly afford any food might be a part of it, but even when I'm around a lot of it, I'm making the choices I need to make today. And seeing results. I will get there! And here's to good changes for all of us.

Saying Farewell to our Childhood Home

There are moments in life that can take you by surprise, take your breath away and transport you to a place where it's crucial to work on acceptance. As we say in the program, "acceptance is the answer to all of our problems today." Yes...acceptance. So desired and yet so difficult to reach sometimes.
My dad has sold our family home, a home we've owned for 46 years, a home that has seen my parent's five children grow, leave, come back, leave, return for visits with spouses and children of their own. Such family history lies within those walls! So many memories.
We lost our beautiful mom four years ago next week...four years. It seems like just yesterday that we were having one of our daily laughs over the phone, planning for Christmas...a Christmas that never came. That's how quickly life can change. In the blink of an eye, our entire world can change.
My dad remarried and now he and his new wife are heading down South to begin a new chapter in his life. I need to be happy for my dad and to be on his side and work at putting my feelings aside. I'm a grown woman who understands that life moves on and we must move along with it or remain stuck in the past, which can cause us much pain. I know this. Yet I find myself yearning for the past, for the days of coming home and knowing that mom was there waiting, that dad would soon be there and that my brothers and sisters and I would all be together with them.
We've always been a very close family, very much involved in each other's lives. Yet when we lost our mom, it was as if the very foundation of our family began to slip away. Now it's as if we've all be scattered to the wind and holding onto our connection has been a real challenge.
My dad's wife sent us each the colored photo of our home that the realtor made, along with a copy of the virtual tour. As much as I will treasure having these, as I held the large photo in my hand, the colors all blurred with the tears that filled my eyes. As I looked at that beautiful home, I could hear my mom's voice calling my name, I could see us all outside running around, I could see our own children sitting on the front porch on July 4th enjoying their red, white & blue popsicles that their Nana had bought for them. Or running around the yard looking for those plastic eggs filled with candy and quarters that their Poppy had hidden for them.
Memories...such a gift to us. A gift that can bring a smile or a tear. I thank God for our memories, I thank God for such a beautiful home to grow up in, and most of all I thank God for such amazing parents who gave us such a wonderful childhood, who taught us so much and who showed us the way to create our own lives. We can never go home again, but in my heart, I will always be there with them.

Lost It!

I just worked on an article titled "Container Gardening" for the past hour and accidentally wiped it out before posting it. I am crushed! Will work on another one tomorrow...sigh. (Doing a lot of sighing lately!)

Container Gardening

I DIDN'T LOSE IT AFTER ALL!

Many of us do not have much outdoor space in which to garden. Over the years, I've worked on numerous indoor and patio gardens which allow me to enjoy the colorful beauty, wonderful fragrance and delicious taste of the many plants that are available at your local farmer's market or gar in all shapes and sizes.


My favorite planting includes flowering, herbs and vegetables all tucked in together in a wonderful, eye-catching pot. This type of planting will thrive on your patio or step if it gets either morning or afternoon sun, good ventilation and the right amount of water.


Many different pots will work. I've found the most unique containers that become wonderful planters. Terra cotta looks good with many different plants but it can be heavy and is not frost resistent. Unglazed terra cotta has good air circulation, which is very important. Wood offers a natural look. Usually you'll see wood used for window boxes or barrel plantings. It's important to ensure the wood has not been treated with any chemicals that will harm your plants or you, if you're planting edibles. Plastic pots are lightweight and come in almost all colors, shapes, and sizes. Some of them are also designed to look like clay. Plastic doesn't chip and the pots won't break if left outside in cold weather. But plastic pots do not allow for much air circulation within the planting.


Once you've chosen your pot, the first thing you want to do is invest in a good potting soil, one that has a good fertilizer/plant food mixed in. Before adding the soil, make sure your pot has good drainage. Makes sure there are holes in the bottom of the pot, if not you can easily drill a few. Create a drainage system by simply placing some small stones at the bottom of the pot, being sure not to totally cover up the holes. It's also been suggested to use a small amount of charcoal sprinkled on the stones for freshness. Once I couldn't get ahold of a single stone so I broke down some of the hundreds of seashells I've collected over the years and it worked wonderfully.


You can first place your plants on top of the soil in your pot to get an idea of how you want your design to look. Check out a color wheel to decide which flowering plants you want in the same pot. I like a variety of color, shapes, sizes and textures. I always like to put something tall right in the center, such as a group of Allium (chives) which have that pretty purple "globe" flower. Upright, trailing and clumping are the different terms used to describe the various shapes of plants. Trailing colorful plants always look great planted along the edges of your pot and include Lobelia, Pansies, Nasturtiums & Fuschia. A great look is mixing colorful trailing plants with green or variegated ones such as Vinca vine.


I like to plant a mix of red & green lettuce next to clumps of white Allysum along with herbs such as Rosemary, Sage (Russian Sage leaves have a fabulous color & texture to them), Mint, Lavender, Basil, Dill...the list goes on and on! It's also great to add some scented geraniums to the mix. Of course the lovely "Martha Washington" geraniums in white, pink or red are always a great addition to your container garden.


The possibilities are endless for your container garden when you let your imagination run wild. The only thing you don't want to run wild is your container garden, except for your trailing plants...the longer and fuller, the better! Otherwise, give it a good pruning once a week, water as needed (you'll see and feel the soil getting dry...don't wait until your plants are wilting!), and add a good plant food to the water. The results will amaze you and stand up to any neighbor out there gardening in their yard. And you'll have less weeds, too!

There's nothing better than walking out on your patio and picking some fresh herbs or vegetables to go along with whatever you're grilling. Or cutting yourself some beautiful flowers to bring indoors. And don't let the containers "contain" you! Trailing vines, roses, etc. look beautiful climbing along your patio railings!

Gotta go...I have some containers to plant! Let me know how you do or if I can answer any questions you might have. Happy planting!