Merry Christmas, my darling Mother

This is our fourth Christmas without our beloved mother, and to me it feels like the longest journey in the world. My heart goes out to everyone who has lost a parent. It is truly one of the deepest tragedies of our experience.
My mom always made Christmas so incredibly special! She loved it, and even with the stress of having to plan so much for so many, always running around making sure she found just the right present for each person, she still managed to make the day magical. I can close my eyes right now and picture it all, feel the warmth and the glow of the beautiful lights, the wonderful smells coming from the kitchen, and most of all my mother's laughter.
The last time I was with my mom before she began slipping away from us, she took my face in her hands and smiled the most loving smile I have ever seen. She wasn't able to speak but we didn't need words. Our love went beyond words, the depth of love between a mother and child is unmeasurable. It was the greatest gift that God has ever given to me and one that I am thankful for each and every day.
Merry Christmas, my darling Mother. Each day with you was the best day of my life. Each day without you is the hardest. I will keep trying to accept it all and understand that you still live within my heart, within my soul and in all of us. I will work hard this year to make you proud of me. I miss you. Love, Kerry

Write on...

It's been a while since I've written, so much going on with job hunting and taking care of my kids. The summer or what we've had of a summer, has flown by and now Leah is starting high school and Adam has graduated and is looking into the Air Force. I have mixed feelings about that, but will remain positive.
I spend a few moments each day on my back porch, thinking about my mom and saying some prayers that life turns around a bit and things get better. This morning I started yet another story in my head and I realized how good I am at "starters," those first catching lines in any book...but I need to get better at the "middlers" and "finishers!"
This morning I had an idea for a story that begins..."She stood, huddled beneath the threadbare awning that did little to shelter her from the pelting rain. Lost and confused, she realized that she had neither friends to turn to nor a home to run to, safe from the lonely, cold world that had become hers. Friends had long since disappeared along with family, and with a deep sadness she realized that she was truly homeless."
I'm not totally sure if this is the beginning of a story or how I'm actually feeling today. Hmmm...

Never Give Up

I have so many emotions today I feel like my head is going to explode. Literally, I have such a pain in my right temple I honestly think it's going to blow...watch out below!

I'm frustrated...I'm sad...I'm overtired...I'm worried...I'm angry...I'm damn sick and tired of being sick and tired and I'm REALLY tired of the way people behave. Of course I do realize that I have no power over anything...except my reaction to it, the way I behave, the things I do for myself to navigate through all of this...shall we say baloney? bologna? crap?!?!

Even though I know that technically it might not be one family member's responsibility to care for another who might be struggling, I can't imagine a world where this person wouldn't help! Like now! To the rescue! After all, what did Jesus ask of us? TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER! That's the only reason we're here! Not to build these damn companies, bridges, huge buildings, massive armies with all of our instruments of destruction...NONE OF THAT! LOVE...that's the reason. And a huge part of loving each other is HELPING each other...plain and simple!

But people don't seem to get it! Someone new joins the family out of the blue and WHAM, nothing and nobody is ever the same. People are ignored. People are left behind...it's as if one can all of a sudden be forgotten. It's crap. And I will never understand it.

Someone reading this might have no idea what I'm talking about. Maybe I don't either. But the simple fact is that I once had a family and now it seems like they're gone. We lost my mom and since then the entire dynamic that once was my family has disappeared...gone forever! And it's breaking my heart and frustrating me to the point of daily sobbing, bad dreams and expoding headaches.

I was going to talk about the strange things going on at work but I honestly have to stop. It's all too much for me right now. I'll never give up...but today I will try to give in, to surrender. Because I can't control these people. Oh, I want to! But I can't. Maybe I'm right and they just don't get it...and getting crazy over it won't help me. Today I will pray that God will help us all. We need it.

Summertime

Things haven't been easy lately...for any of us. Financially, emotionally, physically...so many issues each and every day. I'm really looking forward to some nice sunny days, some summertime enjoyment. Remember those kinds of days? Hot summer days with your friends, swimming, driving around, hiking...or just generally getting into trouble. I remember those days! Now I have worries...what will my young daughter do this summer while I'm working full time? Will my son find a job? What does his future hold? Will I be able to hold on to this job or maybe even get a better one? In this economy, who knows? I'm lucky to be working.
And our home...such a pretty townhouse yet so many problems from day one. Exterior leaking into the basement...interior leaking from the master tub...broken gutters causing floods outside...and now the washer and dryer from hell have broken down...boo hoo. Let me tell you how much I love spending all that money at the laundromat...such fun. But no money for a new set yet, so cry me a river, has to be done.
We have it pretty good...things aren't that bad when you think about it. If we could all get healthy, that would be the most important thing. If my son would graduate from high school, that would be really great. If my daughter can find something great to do and not be alone, I'd feel so much better. And maybe inbetween the rinse cycle and the dryer, we can find a stream to stick our toes into. Grab some good times wherever we can.

Our Angel Above

To our darling Angel Mom,

Four years ago today you spread your wings and flew to heaven. How I prayed you wouldn't go and leave us! How I wished I could have reeled you back in and kept you with us forever. I prayed so hard, offering God everything I owned for more time with you. But that's so selfish of me, isn't it? I know we each have our own journey, our own destiny, and I have no power to change that. Yet how shocking it is that you were taken so soon. And how difficult it has been for us since you've gone. Nothing is the same, nothing will ever be the same again.

We miss you every single day, mom. We still go to pick up the phone and call you, oh those wonderful, funny phone calls! We were so lucky to have you, always there for us, never ever turning away from us. We had so many plans, the "girls" trip to England with your daughters and their daughters to visit all of the places Rosemund Pilcher wrote about in the books we all loved. Our family trip to Ireland, all of us together in a place you loved so much.

If I could have any wish, mom, you know what it would be. One more day...to hold you, to laugh with you, to tell you again how very much I love you. Can you see me? Can you hear me? Do you know how much I miss and love you? How much we all miss and love you? You would be so proud of your grandchildren, mom! They're all growing so fast, and are so beautiful. Your little Annie is amazing...just like you. I do believe you see...you know. Don't forget me, my mom. I will never forget you. Until we meet again, you have my heart...always. xx, Ker

Changing Times

Well, times have certainly changed. I can't remember a Memorial Day that my kids and I along with my brother and his family (and anyone else who was in town) got together at my parent's home for a little barbeque. So many memories. But dad is recovering from open heart surgery and didn't seem up to visitors (can we blame him?!?), although the kids really wanted to see him. And next year he will be in his new home in Florida.
Life is so strange. One minute you're in the middle of it all and maybe taking it for granted, and the next minute you're left with memories. Then it's time to move forward and make new plans.
So yesterday we spent a lovely afternoon with some friends on their sunny deck. It was a good time and the kids really enjoyed themselves. I didn't know many people but enjoyed talking with them and learning their stories.
Yet when that barbeque was started and those burgers were cooking away, I was lost in the memories of dad and my brother talking away at the grill, and the kids running around their wonderful backyard having the time of their lives just playing together. And mom...sitting on the back porch with her feet up, a cold drink and a funny story. Mom...so missed.
SO...along with the changing times comes some good news! I am just under NINE pounds down and feeling very hopeful. Of course the fact that I can hardly afford any food might be a part of it, but even when I'm around a lot of it, I'm making the choices I need to make today. And seeing results. I will get there! And here's to good changes for all of us.

Saying Farewell to our Childhood Home

There are moments in life that can take you by surprise, take your breath away and transport you to a place where it's crucial to work on acceptance. As we say in the program, "acceptance is the answer to all of our problems today." Yes...acceptance. So desired and yet so difficult to reach sometimes.
My dad has sold our family home, a home we've owned for 46 years, a home that has seen my parent's five children grow, leave, come back, leave, return for visits with spouses and children of their own. Such family history lies within those walls! So many memories.
We lost our beautiful mom four years ago next week...four years. It seems like just yesterday that we were having one of our daily laughs over the phone, planning for Christmas...a Christmas that never came. That's how quickly life can change. In the blink of an eye, our entire world can change.
My dad remarried and now he and his new wife are heading down South to begin a new chapter in his life. I need to be happy for my dad and to be on his side and work at putting my feelings aside. I'm a grown woman who understands that life moves on and we must move along with it or remain stuck in the past, which can cause us much pain. I know this. Yet I find myself yearning for the past, for the days of coming home and knowing that mom was there waiting, that dad would soon be there and that my brothers and sisters and I would all be together with them.
We've always been a very close family, very much involved in each other's lives. Yet when we lost our mom, it was as if the very foundation of our family began to slip away. Now it's as if we've all be scattered to the wind and holding onto our connection has been a real challenge.
My dad's wife sent us each the colored photo of our home that the realtor made, along with a copy of the virtual tour. As much as I will treasure having these, as I held the large photo in my hand, the colors all blurred with the tears that filled my eyes. As I looked at that beautiful home, I could hear my mom's voice calling my name, I could see us all outside running around, I could see our own children sitting on the front porch on July 4th enjoying their red, white & blue popsicles that their Nana had bought for them. Or running around the yard looking for those plastic eggs filled with candy and quarters that their Poppy had hidden for them.
Memories...such a gift to us. A gift that can bring a smile or a tear. I thank God for our memories, I thank God for such a beautiful home to grow up in, and most of all I thank God for such amazing parents who gave us such a wonderful childhood, who taught us so much and who showed us the way to create our own lives. We can never go home again, but in my heart, I will always be there with them.